Waiting in Limbo

I feel like Steven and I have been living in limbo. Right now he is going to school full time with the end goal to graduate and get a job in the aviation industry. As for me - I am working... and waiting. Just waiting. I have really struggled with this. Steven is living his dream - he is going to school for what he wants to go to school for - to obtain a job that he wants to work. As for me, I'm just waiting. Now, I cant even begin to tell you how excited I am for my husband! We both have worked super hard for him to be able to get to this point in his life. Going to college at the age of 29 is no picnic!

I should also let you all in on "the goal." The goal is for Steven to graduate, get a job (wherever that might be... we're pretty open to anything at this point) and for us to become parents. We want children so badly, but we also want to give them a mother who can stay at home with them and raise them. In order for this to happen, Steven needs to have a full time, secure job.. and for that to happen, he needs to graduate.

So here I sit - waiting on that to happen. I have to admit that while he has only been in school for 2 semesters now, but I am getting impatient. I am surrounded with people having babies and my baby fever is increasing by the second!! We have talked about just throwing out the plan and going for it, but we also know that it is not worth sacrificing the goal for the sake of impatience. I would much rather wait and be able to give my children my all - than to not wait and send them off everyday. The very thought of that makes me cringe. I know that a lot of moms do it, but I know with everything in me that God has called me to stay at home to minister to my little ones. To be on mission for him... in my home.

So in my struggle with impatience, I prayed for patience. As I prayed, Philippians 4:6 came to mind "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." So I asked God to give me direction during this time. He did not create us to live in a state of limbo, but in action. And just as He said He would - He gave me a direction. Rather than sit waiting - I need to be proactive in pursuing Him and what it means to be a godly wife and a godly mother. Ive never been a mom before, so I have no idea what this life change looks like. I do know that there is MUCH to be learned. So, I am to use this time of limbo to seek and learn His word, to read anything I can possibly get my hands on that will help me gain wisdom and insight into what it looks like to be a godly woman, wife, and mother.

I just started reading the book "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp and in it he says,

"The central focus of parenting is the gospel. You need to direct not simply the behavior of your children, but the attitudes of their hearts. You need to show them not just the "what" of their sin and failure, but the "why." Your children desperately need to understand not only the external "what" they did wrong, but also the internal "why" they did it. You must help them see that God works from the inside out. Therefore, your parenting goal cannot simply be well behaved children. Your children must also understand why they sin and how to recognize internal change."

I had to put the book down when I read that statement. The weight of that responsibility weighs heavily on my heart and terrifies me to the core. It only confirms the direction God has given me. Parenting is not a joke - it is a HUGE responsibility. Not just in the area of raising "well behaved" children, but raising children who love and fear the Lord. The quote above only proves that I have much to learn before I can even possibly do the task of being "Mom."

I am officially no longer in limbo. I'm using this season of my life to learn. And to grow.